This post will not be for everyone but for those it speaks to it may mean the world. This post is not essential oils related, as the things that occurred were before my oils life began- and part of what eventually led me to oils. Please be aware that it may be a trigger for some if it starts to upset you please stop reading. This post is meant to bring hope to those who feel lost.
So as we are quickly approaching Mother’s Day 2017 I have felt compelled to share a little bit about myself and my road to motherhood. Like many before me the idea of becoming a mother was not something I was instantly excited about… actually it was quite the opposite. To help you understand and to hopefully help others in similar situations we will start by going back 8 years ago- almost to the day.
8 years ago in March I graduated with my BA in Psychology, I was engaged and set to be married in April and since I was the first of my family to go to college I wanted that degree to have my maiden name on it. So I pushed hard the last year and completed everything early. In April I got married and that is a decision I have never regretted, my husband is an amazing man. We decided together to wait 4 to 5 years to have children, this would give us time to be married, give me time to go back and get my nursing degree and get to travel a bit. So I was back in college right away to get the pre-requisite courses done for the then BEACON accelerated BSN course.
Then mid to late May hit and I knew.
I knew my birth control had failed… I just did.
The first 2 pregnancy tests popped negative but I looked at my husband and told him it must just be too early. We will come to learn that I know almost instantly when I am truly pregnant. This was the start of the end to me. If you know me at all you know I am a go-getter, a true Aries and type A all the way. When my plans change I don’t always fall right in line. This was no different. Suddenly I was carrying a baby, well a parasite if you look at my very first FB post about it. I was shocked, I was hurt and I felt that I just had to suck it up.
“You are married, you already have a degree… it is time to do what is “expected” and stay home with your child… and while you are at it you might as well just have another since you are now a stay at home mom. “
It broke my heart.
For a while it broke my soul.
I was not someone excited to have a baby, that child was ruining my plans, my perfectly laid plans. My expectations for getting to just be married for a while, to get to travel to romantic destinations, that was gone.
Father’s Day weekend we officially told the families~ they were so excited.
And still I was not- but dang could I fake it.
I knew I was supposed to be excited, I was supposed to be happy, so I “was”.
It took me six months plus AFTER she was born to feel a connection with her.
Did I breastfeed her? Yep
Did I answer her every cry? Yep
I did what was expected.
I did what I was supposed to.
But at no time in those first months was I excited about it.
At no time did I feel an overwhelming love for the child in my arms.
I share this now, 8 years and 3 kids later for one main purpose- I know now that I am not alone.
I know that other moms and moms to be feel the same way and some cases have a harder time than I did.
I want them to know they are not alone. I want you to know you are not alone.
My bond with her is amazing now and what I went through taught me a lot about myself and it taught me about how I wanted my next pregnancies to feel. Having 2 boys after I felt so much more connected, maybe that is why we know they are mama’s boys. But with each of them I had difficulties mentally both in pregnancy and immediately postpartum. But what I went through with her helped me know that I would get through it and come out a better mom.
I know that it may be hard to read this if you are having trouble getting and/or staying pregnant. But we all have a story to tell. We all have a view on the world around us that is worthy of others listening. It is when we hear the stories of others that we can get a better understanding of our own story.
Love and Light to You All~ Amber